I didn’t know I had LMS until LMS told me it was there. Maybe I was overlooking some subtle signs, but then again, I wasn’t looking for them. But LMS shouted loud enough one day, that my whole body heard. LMS had been lurking in the shadows for up to 3 years, before it finally got bored. Lie O My O Sar Co Ma Almost sounds musical… Do Re Mi Fa So La Ti Do. It is poetic and I like the way it rolls off my tongue as I spread word of its abhorrent presence in my life. I tell everyone who wants to know, proud to be the storyteller.
My story of how LMS crashed into my life and swiftly left, leaving debris for me to build back up into a life resembling normality. Within 8 months of being unwillingly acquainted with LMS , I’d lost my hair from gruelling chemo, had surgery and said goodbye to a few important body parts, and found who my real friends are. I had control. I associated Leiomyosarcoma with my strength and positivity. I felt superhuman to know I was the brave hero who sent LMS far from those shadows; far away where it couldn’t shout or hurt or stalk me. Did I have control? LMS creeps along under dank hedges and abandoned subways, avoiding surveillance, head down, everything hush-hush.
For five months I had that super power. Five months I felt strong, regardless of my body weak from this kryptonite. Five months I’d see in print ‘Leiomyosarcoma’ and puff out my chest, victoriously; my cape flapping in the wind. LMS is already whispering to me. The sound low and the tone more aggressive, spiteful almost. The bully is back. Uglier and meaner than ever before. Surgery can no longer be the sword at my side. LMS is stubborn. I’ve been punched hard, in the stomach and the heart. I don’t know if I can stand up to this bully so soon.
The sadness is heavy. The powers have diminished. I know LMS is going to be poking me, jabbing hard with its long unforgiving finger forever. Relentlessly reigning misery over me. ‘Leiomyosarcoma’ haunts me. I see the word and wish I’d never encountered this evil trespasser. It brings the panic to the immediate present. I’m never going to be able to move on and leave it only in my darkest memories. If anyone has a super human cloak I can borrow for a while, please let me know.
Guest blogger and IVC LMS Warrior