Forty-eight days since I was labeled palliative with a very rare cancer, Uterine Leiomyosarcoma with metastases in both lungs. Conventional treatment is limited to protocol which simply means limited personalised treatment. My life and that of my husband and son immediately went upside down and silent. In the eye of a storm. The more I read up the more the storm picks up.

Forty-seven days ago I personalised in: nourishing my body, my mind, and my soul. Consciously eating, thinking, praying, strengthening my immune system with vitamins and supplements, walking. I have always lived above average healthy but, consciously really taking time to dwell on how I nourish me in every way possible? Nope. I transformed how and what I put into my mouth and what comes out of it. Adding quality by living consciously for as long as it lasts. Been asked if I crave anything. Only people and silence.

Fourteen days ago, January 11th the primary tumor along with my uterus (the symbol of feminine energy) and ovaries were removed with a clean margin. To improve quality of life. I am grateful for the excellent and loving health care professionals at Antonie van Leeuwenhoek. The surgeon said my abdomen would have filled up with tumors had I not had the surgery. A horrific thought!

Drugged and maybe the reason for a positive attitude, I sat up and walked the very next day. Mind you, I went in with an all-round healthy condition.

I realise now that the optimistic, problem-solving me initially took over and that the real grieving was yet to come. I did cry buckets but just not for me, for my son and my husband.

Now a new kind of sadness and loneliness has dawned. As a coach I know I am in the 3rd stage of grieving. Knowing that I probably won’t see my son graduate, fall in love, have children, not grow old with my husband, my siblings, friends, miss so many events in so many lives, get really sick, have almost no visiters due to Covid’s monstrous effect on tumors, makes it hard to remain in the moment. Especially when clueless people keep telling you to do so.

Amidst this, I have to decide on which or no chemotherapy, and fast. To prolong life. The chemotherapy suggested doxorubicin and dacarbazine, come with terrible side effects. There is a proven more effective chemo but the insurance only pays for this if the first two do not work?!
It now boils down to:
*What do I consider to be life?
*And, is it worth prolonging?
*What do I lose, what do I gain?
Not being morbid just realistic.

This week’s resolutions?
Take a break from cancer research.
Enjoy Putten and be reinvolved in my vacation rental business Steal Away.
Write more, walk more.
Ask loved ones to hold space and lose pep talks.
Love my men.
Fully appreciate and see the ones who have stood up and are ready to help.
Let those who have not, be.
Remain in my flow and energy.
#lifewithcancer #uiterineleiomyosarcoma #holdingspace #ulms

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